Christmas record covers

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There’s an almost endless supply of Christmas records. Here I celebrate the best of the worst Christmas record covers. Some of these are amazing, dome are bad and some are amazingly bad.

First up is this one that was tweeted to me by @mr_pastry @ChrisBall11 and @Stewpot

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This one is a contender for dodgiest Santa award via @Andythatwitt

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Another example from @mr_pastry

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Santa is drunk at Gilley’s via @cacauencorfa

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Christmas a go go from @ann_sequinworld

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Arrrgghhh, look out. Cliff!
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A selection of ‘family time’ covers
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Oh no. Gary Glitter!
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Pass the sick bucket.
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Santa has been on the disco biscuits.
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WTF?
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A bit inappropriate
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Even Mo(o)re inappropriate
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Yeah. Boozing kids
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Go home Santa, you’re drunk.
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This one isn’t bad. Its superb!
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Pimp my sleigh
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Heino had to make an appearance
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Tweet me your best / worst Christmas record covers.

Update. The following have been tweeted to me since the original blog post.

From @mr_pastry
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From @zenith242
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From @ann_sequinworld
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From @Once_Tricky
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From @LordTed2011
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From @keirshiels
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From @FiDRoC
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From @dominic4346
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And finally, this quite fantastic fake
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Football

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Football and music. Usually an awful combination, whether it be a cup final team, a novelty jingoistic international tournament record or a footballer trying his hand at singing, they are often very bad indeed. With that in mind I thought I would treat you to a selection of footballer record covers rather than subject you to selection of actual songs. Some of these covers are surprisingly good.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed researching them. If you do, I may well do a follow up. Please be aware that some of the ‘facts’ may not be 100% accurate.

The only place to start when talking about footballers is Pele. Regarded by many as the greatest footballer ever. He has subsequently been asked to provide numerous lists of who he thinks the best footballers have been. I think at the last count he has included approximately 350 different names in his various top 100s. He scored 400million goals in 1000 games or something and once had a header saved by Gordon Banks.
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Here’s an obscure one. Iconic football manager Brian Clough in a collaboration with JJ Barrie. I’d never heard this one before and was unsure of how genuine it was but a quick search found that “the greatest manager England never had” did indeed feature on this single. Here’s the cover and the song in full. Well I never!
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Probably the best Scunthorpe player of his generation, poodle-permed, Kevin Keegan went on to become an England player and manager. He once said of his musical career “I would love it, love it if my records broke into the top 40”. He got his wish, Head Over Heels In Love reached number 31 in the UK and number 10 in Germany. He was going to pursue a longer career in the music industry but he had enough and threw in the towel.
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Keegan caused a bit of a shockwave when he sold Andy Cole to rivals Manchester United in 1995. A bigger shockwave was caused when Andy Cole released this piece of self absorbed rubbish 4 years later. Andy was so embarrassed by the single that he changed his name to Andrew Cole in an attempt to distance himself from the record.
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On to another ex England player and manager Glenn Hoddle with his partner in musical crime Chris Waddle, also a former England international. They released Diamond Lights, which peaked at number 12 in the UK charts, in 1987 at the height of Waddle’s mullet period. Hoddle was quoted as saying about his musical career “You have to learn and face some of the things you have done, good and bad. There are too many injustices around. The karma is working from another lifetime”… before saying something horrible about disabled people.

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Not content with ruining the burgeoning musical career of one team mate, Chris Waddle went on to crush Basil Boli’s dream of pop stardom. The disappointed Frenchman had to make do with head butting Stuart Pearce and scoring the winning goal in the 1993 European Champions league final.
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Waddle’s mate Paul ‘gazza’ Gascoigne recorded two singles in 1990. Fog On The Tyne and Geordie Boys were both shocking but undeterred, he ploughed on and released an album as well.
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Here we have former Dutch international footballer Win Van Hanegan alongside referee Frans Derks.
Van Hanegan was a Feyenoord legend, he played 52 times for his country including the 1974 World Cup Final.
Derks was a Dutch football referee for over 20 years.
I’m just waiting for the Mark Clattenburg and John Terry single to be released.
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Frans Derks also did the odd solo
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Another member of that Dutch 1974 World Cup Final team also did a single.
A true football legend Johan Cruyff. He was world footballer of the year 3 times and won the European cup 3 times when it was the proper European cup ;). He even had a turn named after him, which makes you look really silly if you can’t quite pull it off.
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Johnny Rep. Guess what… He also played in the 1974 World Cup final for the Dutch.
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Finishing the line up of Dutch 1974 World Cup Final players is Rene Van De Kerkhof. He came on as a 2nd half substitute for Wim Rijsbergen.
Here he is with his twin brother Willy. Willy was a member of the 1974 squad but he didn’t play in the final. Both Rene and Willy did play in the 1978 World Cup Final though.
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Staying with the Dutch, “sexy football” proponent Ruud Gullit released this not so sexy record in 1994.
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Ruud’s team mates, Marco “what a volley” Van Basten and Frank “spit in your mullet” Rijkaard also got in on the dodgy record game with this horror in 1990. Translated roughly to “It’s nice to be in Italy! / We turn the whole world upside down”
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Yet another 1974 World Cup Final player, although this time the winning captain, also released 2 singles. You are lucky / 1: 0 for the love and You alone / Good friends, no one can separate…
Here is Franz Beckenbauer looking as cool as he did whilst playing. Probably the greatest ever German footballer he won the World Cup twice as a player and once as a manager as well as 3 ‘proper’ European cups

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I’m starting to wonder if every player from the 1974 World Cup Final released a record. Goal machine, Gerd Muller, scorer of the winning goal in that match, released 4 singles. Below is the pick of the covers from 1967. Raba da da roughly translates to raba da da.
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German international twins Erwin and Helmut Kremers were the first set of twins to play in the Bundesliga. They were also the first set of twins to release records whist playing in the Bundesliga.
The songs are entitled, Dance With Me, Beautiful Girl and The Girl Of My Dreams.
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Scorer of the most goals in a single world cup tournament, Just Fontaine. Just scored 13 goals for France in the 1958 competition.
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Everyone’s favourite age defying, corner flag dance celebrating, Cameroonian, Roger Milla recorded this album in 1991. He became the oldest ever World Cup finals goal scorer when he netted against Russia in 1994 at the age of about 42ish.
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Former Belgian international goalkeeper Jean Marie Paff did a couple of songs during his playing career. Just like his musical hero, Ozzy Osbourne, Paff went on to be a TV star with a reality show that followed him and his family for 10 years. Unlike Ozzy, he has never had a quad bike accident, he did nearly drown in a swimming pool though when a reporter pushed him into one.
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Enzo Scifo is another former Belgian international who tried his hand in the music business. Unfortunately he only released one single and decided to concentrate on his football instead.
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Jay Jay Okocha 1994
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Djibril Cisse
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Klaus Schlappner. I’d never heard of him either but I liked the cover of this record. He was a football manager in Germany and was the first foreigner to manage the Chinese national team
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Moustaches

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It’s Movember time!

The time when men grow a moustache for a month to raise money and awareness for prostate cancer, testicular cancer and mental health problems.

To date the Movember foundation has raised £346 million and funded over 800 programmes in 21 countries.

Excellent work I’m sure you would agree.

The only issue I have with the whole Movember thing is, that as a full time wearer of an 8 inch handlebar moustache, I get lots of hilarious comments on how quickly I have managed to grow such fabulous upper lip upholstery. It’s only a little bit irksome though and I fully support anyone who enters into the spirit of Movember.

So with hairy lips in mind for the month I thought I would celebrate the best and worst of moustaches on record covers. Sit back and marvel at the hirsute manliness of these fine specimens.

More info on November can be found using the following links
Movember UK
Movember worldwide

You can also follow them on Twitter


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Cheating slightly.
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Heino

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Possibly the most regular artist tweeted to me on @BadAlbumCovers is the German legend Heino.

Real name Heinz Georg Kram he has been making music since 1966 and is still going strong. He has sold, quite staggeringly, over 50 million records which makes him one of Germany’s most successful artists. To put that into context, Nirvana, Bob Marley and The Spice Girls sold about 75 million each.

He was born in 1938 and has been married 3 times

People often wrongly assume he has albinism due to his dark glasses and light hair. He wears the glasses due to exophthalmos, a kind of bulging of the eyes caused by Grave’s disease which is quite rare for men. His early record covers show him without the glasses but from 1969 onwards they become his trademark.

In total I can find 44 albums, 48 singles and 63 compilations. A lot of the covers would not be out of place on my twitter feed but I think he has an uber cool look about him on some of them. I have included a selection for your enjoyment and for you to judge yourself.

Whatever you think of his record covers the fella really can sing, not that that is a requirement to appear on this blog.

Heino… He may look strange but he is a German baritone legend, I salute you sir!



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Devastatin’ Dave – The Turntable Slave

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Welcome to my first blog post where I take a closer look at a bad record cover.

First up is a classic that comes up on most searches for bad album art.

Zip, Zap Rap by Devastatin’ Dave The Turntable Slave. Released on Superstar international records, produced by Wayne Henderson and engineered by Dennis ‘deaf pea’ Parker.

Not much is known about Dave, the song is credited to D Cary so I am going to assume that is Dave. We do know that this was his only record unfortunately. What we don’t know is just how devastatin’ he really was or if he ever threw off the shackles of turntable slavery.

As for Wayne Henderson, it is unclear if this is the same Wayne Henderson of The Jazz Crusaders fame but I really like to think it is.

We do know about Dennis ‘deaf pea’ Parker though. He has been nominated for 7 Grammy awards winning 2 of them along with 3 Latin Grammy awards. His former band, Allmen Joy have shared the billing with greats such as Alice Cooper, Santana, The Doors and The Velvet Underground. Parker also played in world tours, backing David Cassidy, Tom Jones, and errrrr, errrrr, Johnny Mathis. His proudest achievement (apart from Zip, Zap, Rap) is probably being the recording engineer for four Ice-T albums.

This single was released in 1986 so that slightly excuses Dave’s dodgy attire of leather fingerless gloves skin tight leather/ plastic strides and a sleeveless top. Is he wearing 2 belts?

The strategic placement of the word “zap” does not go unnoticed, neither does the half arsed attempt at facial hair.
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Despite the awful 1980s look the record actually has a message to deliver. It is an anti drugs song. The banner in the top left corner says “hear our message, say no to drugs” which reminds me of Zammo and his Grange Hill mates singing “just say no”. That Grange Hill song was also released in 1986 at the height of the Just Say No campaign which was an American advertising campaign to discourage children from partaking in recreational drugs.

It is not clear if Devastatin’ Dave’s record was released as part of this anti drugs movement or if he just had something to say and felt the need to say it in rap.

Onto the song itself, it is a mixture of scat, Mr T, St Winifred’s School Choir and inoffensive rap. Maybe Dave is speaking from personal experience of drug use. I like to think that Dave woke up after 30 days in hospital having spent his whole cheque on his cocaine habit. He looked at himself in the mirror, realised he had lost a lot of weight and decided to turn his life around. He set up a cocaine hotline and left the planet with this audio legacy. Perhaps not though.

You can hear it here. Or if you’d rather just read the lyrics, they are below.

SAY NO!… NO!
SAY NO TO DRUGS!(X2)
NO TO DRUGS!(X2)
Rip dibby zap, da zip dap du wap,
This is what I call the Zip Zap Rap
Hichichichy be back in a sec,
Zippy zippa zappa gonna spend your whole cheque,
Zip dip zap, a zip wit a wabbit,
Zippy dipa wippa got a cocaine habit,
Scooby dooby bip a zip bop blam,
It started with a quarter now it is a gram,
Zoom zoom with a scooby doo bop,
Buy yourself into projects you’re tryin to cop,
Rip and a rap I wrote with a rhyme,
I think you better call the cocaine hotline,
Zip dippa wip, you call them on the phone,
A zippa dippa wip but yo habit aint gone,
It’s been flip flop days and you haven’t ate,
I could see it in your face you were losin weight
Rip rap rop smoking back to back,
Zippa dip wip and you had a heart attack
From playin baseball like Willie Mays,
Had you in that hospital for thirty days,
Flip flop flam but now you’re back,
A zippa dippa wip in your new Cadillac,
Hah, chichicha, like choking on a bone,
Zippa rippa rap you gotta leave them drugs alone,
KIDS RAP!
Don’t be a fool,
Stay in school!
Don’t get high and drive a car,
You will not get very far
Well bap boom bam you’ll be up on a pole
You got thirty people pushing but it still won’t roll
And it won’t start either cause the engine is bent
Next month you’ll be crying bout the money you spent
Kids against drugs now say it!
Don’t be a dope,
Don’t smoke that coke!
We’re talkin’ bout cocaine,
Its not good for your brain
Zoom zoom boom a zip goes your brain,
You know its only cause you’ve been smokin’ cocaine
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta talent,
Everybody has it so use it gallant…ly
Maybe you’ll get over you will see,
That what I’m saying is really real
Like at the swap meet,
A serious deal…that could change the course of your life
It’s a lifetime contract,
Read it with caution,
Check out the small print,
You’ve got three options
The first one is to get your money
At the ‘spense of someone else’s grief
And you know that all that means good buddy,
Is that you’re a thief
Second option is a 9 to 5,
And 5 to 1 or the 1 to 9,
But if you read closely,
You’ll see you’ll be there for a long time
The third one is to go for it,
And try to get the crop of the cream,
When you get tired of drivin’,
You just hop in your limousine
Ha, a roll on
Don’t be no fool,
Drugs ain’t cool!
For me or you,
You know that this is true
A rip rap rollin’ with the pretty girls,
Zip da wip dippy with your fresh new curls,
Gooby doop bam a zoom zip wap,
Everybody to the beat let me hear a loud clap
Zip zap zoom a bop to the beat,
All the little frits put the boogie in your feet
Kids against drugs let me hear you gettin’ down,
While the rhythm of the boogie bass rocks the ground
(Asthmatic breathing solo)
(children) PARTY OVER HERE!
DON’T BE NO FOOL!
STAY IN SCHOOL!
DON’T BE A HYPE!
DON’T SMOKE THAT PIPE!
DON’T BE NO FOOL!
STAY IN SCHOOL!
YOU PEOPLE KNOW THE DEAL!
COCAINE DOES MAKE YOU ILL!
Hard times, y’all are getting harder,
Cash money is the only solution,
You gotta get hip to the system trip,
Become a soldier in the proper revolution,
Do it now baby, cause when you drop the bomb,
There won’t be nowhere for you to run,
Try to spend you last cash then you see a big flash and it’s
5 4 3 2 1
BOOM!!

It is such a shame that the B-side of this classic is just an instrumental version of Zip Zap Rap. I was kind of hoping to hear Dave’s opinion on the economy of the 1980s.

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The bad, the bad and the ugly – Part 9


The bad, the bad and the ugly – Part 8

https://twitter.com/BadAlbumCovers/status/440071518060818432